Sorry Ladies
Sorry ladies until I grow into more of a man both as a person and in Christ, I am unavailable. Currently I am reserved for God, my family and bros only. I am on a journey of humility, sacrifice, perseverance and love. Until then all you beautiful ladies please wait, and that may take a while. If you want to reserve a spot for the James Park sweepstakes please send your resumes of qualifications to my father. I apologize for all the disappointment in the heartbreaking news, but thank you for patience and understanding. And even though I will not be able to love you with all my heart Jesus will. Until then please stay away from me.
I think I am back….
10 miles easy, 26 easier.
Running to me is all mental. Don’t slow me down. But make me chase. Make me chase forward. I’ve come to the point where NO longer will I wait, but only see what is in front of me. Fall I will. But relentless I will be. Fear me ground, for I will conquer. Even with my knees tearing piece by piece, I hear them screaming, it excites me. To know they are alive. I smile, relish the the challenge. I will make nature watch me in awe. As I enjoy its beauty with each stride. Now will you be my partner to keep me excited or will you be a nuisance that I throw away?
Existence.
I can no longer distinguish between what I see and what I imagine. It is a blur. You, me, the people of this world, and the invisible people of my imagination they all exist in one world. Are these people of imagination really not of my imagination and the people of reality not just a figment of my imagination. While peeing and staring at the dots on the tiles of wall, I was in awe of this instance of me staring into this one piece of tile was actually in existence. The dots were so randomly placed. But placed with reason? The chances of that dot being in that spot, why? The detailed lines of my hand come and go with a blink of an eye. Could be my eyes yet could be my mind. I wonder if I’m losing my sanity or awaking to what reality is. I look into the mirror. Are my own eyes deceiving me? Can I not even trust my own senses anymore? I am beginning to doubt my own existence. As if I am ghost of this world. If I disappeared what would change? My parents love will always exist. My friends care will always be there. Through all this doubt, God becomes more and more clear. I want to test my existence. I want to live a real life. Am I wishing to awake from this nightmare or am I just running away from the harsh reality? The colors of this world are so beautiful yet I hope I am not being seduced by my lustful heart. Being repeatedly pounded by own insanity, I want to open my eyes that could be already opened. My own immaturity and doubt drains me of the evidence that I am breathing. The transformation I will see before my own eyes will be a testimony to his very power.
Into Thin Air.
In a state of mind, where I want to selfishly leave those who I love to bear my own struggles upon my own shoulders. Fearing of sucking those who I care bout into my blackhole of the unknown. Too much pride and too much selfishness I know. But to those I care bout let me disappear into the abyss of this world, until I cant begin to carry my own pains. Seeping through the cracks of time, I see the hope glistening. To endure, knowing I have hope. So if I seem like I am missing at times, it is me running away from wanting to hold thy hand and suck you into the problems of mine. Let time just shower over and my name dissolve with those of others. Life comes and goes, but God will stay.
To my grandmother who’s love I could never repay. The love and care you have shown me, I will live with and share with those who need that love. Your pain on this world ended and now you are rejoicing in heaven above. I will see you soon. Spending eternal time with you. For you were with me when no one was. When I was child almost parentless you took me under your wing. I hated those moments not realizing why I had to be with you, not understanding the situation you were the only at the time to take care of me.
To my mother actually wanting to live and see me grow. I am sorry for you to endure your pains and me not being able to help with the situation I am in. It pains me to see you hurting and me not being able to do anything bout. Shot with my own struggles, I can’t bear staring into your eyes that are losing it’s colors every week. I want you to see me grow into a man. Have a wife. Have children. Share my joy. Once again share smiles. I see you changing day by day struck by pain trying to act so strong, I see through the mask. How much longer do we have to endure these pains to love one another. How much longer do we need to act to act strong to one another when both of us are in pain of the situation. Until when you have to endure this. In pride you act. In pride you endure. To make me feel secure. I act just the same. I need to hurry.
Eyes.
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As finals begin to roll in, I just want it to end this semester. Excited with summer and some relaxing. My mind is ticking. My body aching. Wondering what will come next. As I find my peace with myself and God, I come to more realization, that I waste so much time doing absolutely nothing. I’m so curious, yet so disillusioned with the idea of this world. My imagination never seems to cease to expand to the point of retardation. I sleep, I wake, I eat, I sit in wonder what is next. Time is ticking, people are moving, age is coming, life is being lived, yet I sit here like zombie in a sense of being sucked into this blackhole. What is this blackhole I don’t know. Time is seeping through the cracks. I’m getting older physically, maturing mentally and emotionally probably not. Still a prideful naïve little boy with little aspiration of being anything. Till I met God who put this sense of life in me. This motivation to live. To breathe. To laugh. To enjoy what I do have. To share my joy. To share this sense of hope. I sit here realizing I am 23 years old. With accomplishing nothing. Having nothing of my own. Spoiled beyond imagination. I wonder what can I do to help God. Do I go on missions. Do I join the army. So many times and still do want to quit school. Finding no purpose or motivation except in getting good grades. I want to hurry and finish so that I don’t have to debate with such things no more. I want to make the most of this gift of life. I tried finding happiness in so many outlets. Yet I find none like god, but I’m so dumb that I still try to ignore this joy. How far will my retardation go on. Its not fair to the ones that I love be sucked into this blackhole. I can feel my other side raging inside of me wanting to come out, this side of me I am afraid to let loose. Do I let him overcome me, do I let him subside. Who is this other boy screaming for freedom. Is he bad? Insanity? I don’t know. How far can I go holding him back. I am afraid what he will do. Emotionally suppressed for what reason, I just cant answer. I feel like it’s a war. Me against me. Retard vrs Retard. How far will be sanity be pushed. I am like any other girl, waiting to be saved without trying to swim. Too afraid of the circumstances, I forget the basics. Too many times waiting for god’s hand to reach down, when I never make the effort to go to him. Pushed to the edge I debate…maybe I should just jump off, instead of struggling to stay alive. Time wont stop for me. Friends and family will pass on. I will be with me and me with I. God will be eternal. Sanity is objective. You see me, but who I am. An illusion placed upon this reality, who will fool who? God knows who I am, what chess moves I want to scheme. People see me as this person, but is it because I want them to assume that they don’t know what kind of future scenario I am trying to play. Controlling? I don’t have the power. I don’t wish for such power, just to mess with the idea of what society tries to portray. I never liked the word content. I rather cause utter chaos to find hunger.
this is who i am.
I realized how in so many ways I used God in so many wrong ways. Using church and me spending time with God as an excuse of exiting myself out of other obligations like family. One thing that came to my mind was that if I was with really experiencing God more and expanding my relationship with him, other important aspects of my life would fall into place. Yet I was complaining how tired and exhausted I was in my own life. I was so self-absorbed with my own life, problems, and randomness I forgot bout talking with God. Lately I been not so on consistent with my prayer or reading, but I realized I’m going out to him more of genuine seeking. Seems so contradictory, but when I’m talking to him, I’m talking to him out of wanting this relationship not just bout being me and me receiving everything from him, but more of me giving to him. Like fo real open your eyes this world doesn’t revolve around you or me but around God himself. We become self-absorbed with our own personal lives that we forget that we aren’t in control of all this. Realize how little control I have in my own life, yet to make the best out of it. I always try to be optimistic for others to stay positive but it gets so damn ridiculous when your own mindset is shooting down the gutter complaining bout shit that goes down in your life. That’s when you realize I’m not being real. I always wanted to emphasize with people around me being real with yourself. Be genuine. Be authentic. That becoming who were you created to be was gonna be molded by the experiences you went through and life and how you translated it. We are fucked up right now, because in the start we let this world/society mold us and that happened because we were oblivious to our relationship with God. God enters our lives stripping us of the chains of this world, what we think is right and cool and lets us free into what we found real joy and hope in. God created us a certain way to serve him and his people, and it all became distorted when we were clueless letting the ideas of this society influence our minds. It really is when we being to surrender to God, where we see the real beauty of our own individuality that god with his own creativity was able to mastermind US. Some people bitter and blame this whole world, which I don’t realize the point of being so angry or sad and then becoming so insecure to the point where they hold themselves back. I want to encourage my brothers and sisters that why do you hold onto your insecurities when you know that you have that relationship with god. Who are you to think that your own problems should block you from experiencing gods amazing OMGness. I know we are selfish to start with, but dude we have that faith and knowledge to change, we know the answers yet we sit on our asses content crying bout own personal shit. A relationship is two ways, and WE CAN NEVER AMOUNT to what God has to offer, so why are we so satisfied with giving him nothing or the minimum. Like we can go to church all we want, go to our college ministry all we want, wanting to experiencing this fellowship, but how can we go do all this yet lack our own intimate relationship with God. Not knowing what is going on with our personal relationship. I am the biggest hypocrite. We say we have all this faith at the same time yet we hold it to ourselves, not showing how awesome god is working through our lives really showing how a replication of our actions in our lives shows the glory of god. Not enough praising, only keeping this good news to ourselves. If I had to wrap up what I just said basically, my relationship with god has been too one way. And we keep that relationship with god to ourselves. Equaling the most selfish son of a bitch ever.
I see these non-Christians it don’t matter who they hang out with they enjoy the moments and appreciate the moments they spend with anyone. They live their life with excitement and joy. Yet they do not know Christ. We spend time with other Christians we have good times sure, we know the good news I guess. We have our divisions. , who doesn’t. We like hanging out with people of our own beliefs, understandable. We have our differences, obviously. Sad thing is our lives don’t look that much different or better from those of non-believers so why would they ever want to believe, when they feel like what we do is out pure skepticism and obligation. I feel like when you sit in a classroom, you can’t even tell who a Christian is anymore. Everyone is just anyone. We don’t mind it. We don’t really care which is the sad thing. As long as we don’t receive attention or any negativity it don’t matter. That’s where the sad part kicks in. We just cool with knowing we ourselves has God. You the guy that sits next to me for a whole year can do whatever you think is cool with you. Love our neighbors, our damn stranger that sits next to us almost every other day for 6 months is one . I go on with this because I AM at so much guilt of this.
My family is so fucked up beyond my own direct family it blows my mind. Like it must run through the genes of fucking up what family means, it drives fear in me of having my own family in the future. Seeing that my own parents was not only the failure and that basically 99% of my family was not successful just implants a huge paranoia. Out of 5 siblings only 1 member had a good marriage, and its good to know it can happen. It may even drive down to my relationship with God. Believing that I am bound to mess up, which I am. We have this idea of salvation, yet a lot of us take advantage of it and don’t really take in the meaning of it, me being one. With this ridiculous insecurity, I still come back home running, wanting to change not for my own personal benefit, not yours, not hers, not my dad, not my mom, but really to fix this distorted idea that I have of god and me.
I still don’t know anything of God. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I am going. Only to have faith now and in the future. There are times where I wanted my time to end. For me to be gone from this world, that all I see is Hell. But then God tells me, no not know. Let the world know my story. Let the world know the truth. Let the world know the good news. Share this hope. Stop being so selfish in trying to run away, through the good works I run through you let every step you place on this earth bring back pieces of heaven. So brothers and sisters lets bring back glimpses of heaven onto this earth.
